About giving, resentment and true generosity
I’ll never forget this advice from a Buddist Meditation Teacher when I tried to help someone who lived in fear and ate powdered milk.
There was this woman
Staying in the same guest house as me
She'd overstayed her visa.
This was in 2007 in Nepal.
She was scared
Jail. Police. Fines. Being deported.
I could tell she wasn't well.
She was losing weight,
Looking very pale.
I believe she came from Hong Kong,
I'm not sure.
Something about her so childlike,
She must have been 40
But seemed a little girl.
She told me about her predicament.
That she had no money,
Was waiting for a marriage proposal,
That she lived on milk powder.
I really liked her.
I wanted to help.
So I took the money from the ATM
To pay however much she owed
For the fines and a visa extension.
I gave her the money.
I felt so good about myself.
The poetic stuff of
"Its in giving that we receive"
Felt so true.
I had a spring in my step.
Ha, want to know what happened?
She spent it on a new dress!
A stunning one, fitted at the tailors,
A traditional Tibetan Chupa, for those who know.
I have to admit, she looked gorgeous.
She told me she was convinced
A local man was going to marry her,
Which would also solve her visa issues.
You and I already know
How this romantic story ended.
No proposal.
Still illegal in the country.
She got even more anxious,
And worryingly thin.
Dalai Lama
“Generosity is the most natural outward expression of an inner attitude of compassion and loving-kindness.”
I had enough money in the bank
To pay for her visa problems.
I could go to the immigration office
Give it directly to the officials.
But I felt angry with her.
A few days later
A Buddhist meditation teacher
Was giving a lecture with a Q&A.
This whole matter
Was very much on my mind.
I asked him what I should do…
His reply stayed with me ever since:
"If you feel like giving, give.
If you don't feel like giving, don't."
...
So I didn't.
I did not sort out her visa for her.
It would not have been sincere.
It would have been out of duty,
Some sort of obligation.
Not from my heart.
Not from a place of love and joy.
Not like that first time.
I really liked her though.
Saw her mental health struggles.
Her naive but genuine hope
That this guy would marry her.
I felt guilty for not paying again
I could easily afford it.
She looked seriously unwell by now,
Living mostly on powdered milk.
And she was so afraid...
But I knew it wasn't right
That my motivation was wrong.
Paying again would make me
Feel resentful towards her.
I shared my thoughts with her.
She understood.
She actually respected me for it.
I like to believe it taught us both so much.
That an act of giving is open and free,
Like I felt the first time.
I never regretted giving her the first sum.
And I don't think
She regretted spending it on a dress.
My anger disappeared.
I took her to dinner many times.
Left fresh food and gifts on her doorstep.
I listened to her
Was available for her distress.
We became friends.
I doubt that would have happened
If I'd paid for her visa again.
I think my anger would have remained.
A sense of injustice
As if she'd wronged me somehow.
But because I didn't pay
A second time, against my will
A space appeared
A realisation that I was OK
With her having bought the dress.
It's her choice eventually, her life.
I felt free.
I felt compassion
And protective care towards her.
This innocent child in a grown up body.
I fed her well,
That came straight from my heart.
I believe the food helped her
To think more clearly.
She spoke to her parents,
Asked for their help.
At some point I left Nepal
We stayed in touch via email
But eventually we lost contact.
I never knew what happened.
If and how she left Nepal
If she got home safely.
If she got support for her mental health.
I like to think it actually helped her,
You know,
That I did not pay a second time.
Does that make sense to you?
Am I explaining the story clearly?
That staying true to ourselves
Brings respect?
Makes the other feel empowered?
I didn't rescue her
I wasn't a saviour
Who would then resent the 'victim'.
(Indeed, it was a textbook case of the Drama Triangle by Dr. Karpman)
I was a friend
I cared about her,
I really did,
Still do.
I've got no idea if my approach
Was a good course of action.
I probably will never know.
But my memory of this friendship,
And the words of the Buddhist teacher
Will remain in my heart:
"If you feel like giving, give.
If you don't feel like giving, don't."
May it help you on your journey
Like it did, and still does, on mine.
With love,
Karin
Photo’s Nepal: Wonderlane and Unsplash, with gratitude.
“Beautiful, thank you so much.”
“Amazing. I have just forwarded your post to a friend of mine.”
“Thank you Karin, as always, inspiring!”
“Thank you for sharing this story, the powered milk. Giving can be depleting, if out of balance. And finding that balance for ourselves is definitely a learning process, perhaps one of the most essential in life. What your story reveals is that there are many ways and forms to give. I will remember.”
