This is why your circles should be round.
Resolving your unfinished business is like a Marie Kondo for your heart and a Spring Clean for your soul.
I'm talking 'unfinished business'.
How detrimental it is
For your mind, for your heart.
For your karma,
If you believe in that.
Unfinished business...
Unresolved issues,
In psychology we call them incompletions,
Because something is missing:
That feeling of things being OK
Between you and the other,
That there is harmony, ease, safety and trust.
Instead there is a gnawing sense of disease.
So how to sufficiently address things
So it feels, at lease for the time being,
Settled for everyone involved?
Unfinished business comes in so many
Shapes and sizes:
A friendship that fizzled out,
An unpaid bill,
A breakup which was never
Put into words,
A sorry left unsaid.
We think it’s easier,
You know,
To disappear through the back door.
To not say anything.
We come up with excuses
To let ourselves off the hook.
"It'll be hurtful
If I say we've grown apart."
"It's been so long,
Let's not drag it up."
"I'll just never go back to that place,
Instead of offering to pay the bill."
Honestly, it's just excuses.
Because to have the conversation
Would make us feel uncomfortable.
Our ‘nicely packed away’ hurt would resurface...
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
- Buddha -
In psychology we also call it
An unfinished Gestalt.
A circle that's not made round
An open end...
And open ends
Are broken relationships.
That might sound exaggerated.
But it's not complete,
A leakage of energy.
If karma is your cup of tea
It would mean
You'd meet again one day
To make the circle round.
Tomorrow? Next life maybe?
When I was in Nepal in 2006
I did a Buddhist purification practice
Called prostrations.
One of the many insights
Was that I had
Lots of unfinished business.
I owed people an apology,
I had thank you's to write.
Even an 'you were right all along'
Message to an ex-boyfriend.
I had to swallow a lot of pride.
But oh my...
The lightness
The joy
The freedom.
It felt so utterly liberating.
To speak those long overdue words.
To my godparents a thank you,
To a long term friend a sorry,
To an ex colleague an explanation.
It felt só good.
I'm not sure how it was for them.
I got several replies.
Mostly surprised,
Often appreciative,
Saying it wasn't necessary.
Lol, the ex said 'I know'.
Which made me realise yet again
How happy I am we aren't together :)
Closing the circles was hard.
Like I said,
I had to swallow a lot of pride.
I felt embarrassed.
Tried to talk myself out of it.
But my heart knew
I had to do this.
For them
For myself
For futures lives, if they exist,
So we could meet again and again
With a clean slate.
The peace...
Oh the peace I felt.
“Resolving your unfinished business is like a Marie Kondo for your heart and a spring clean for your soul.”
Karin Peeters
I speak to many clients
Who dread bumping into people.
Who wear 'masks' at parties.
Avoid certain get-togethers
Because so-and-so might be there too.
Turn around when seeing
Someone at the supermarket.
It's so exhausting,
So unnecessary.
Be brave
Be the one who says
I'm sorry
First.
If you've done nothing wrong
Then you might still be sorry
For how the other might feel?
For the breakdown in communication?
For how messy it all became?
For the hurt you are both experiencing?
And want to know
The trickiest part?
It's not the swallowing of pride.
It's not the dread
Of how they'd respond.
It's not the fear
They'd ridicule your efforts.
The worry about their rejection.
Or that you'll get furious or hurt
All over again.
Instead It's the absolute surrender
To expect nothing in return.
To utterly and completely
Let go of the outcome,
Because that was never the point.
You cannot close someone else’s circle
On their behalf.
But you can close yours.
If you're doing it
Because you want
An apology in return,
Or an understanding,
Or a reconciliation,
Forgiveness,
A settling of the score,
Then stop yourself right now.
That is not the point.
Closing the circle
Is not about what you're getting
In return.
It’s about looking in the mirror
And knowing,
Deeply knowing,
You're the person you want to be.
Your integrity
Your ethics
Your moral compass
Your soul.
All of that,
It's at peace
Because you know,
You deeply know,
Your attempt to close the circle
Is the right thing to do.
And maybe, hopefully...
The other will recognise
Your pure intentions.
If not now, one future day.
And a fresh, new chapter
Might open up for you both...
A whole new circle to enjoy...
But that's never the main aim.
The intention is
To do what's right,
Even when nobody is looking.
Make your circles round.
Have no regrets.
Be your greatest self,
Inner peace is right there.
With love,
Karin
PS.
And if your unfinished business
Is with someone no longer alive,
Or whom you can impossibly meet,
Rest assured.
Experiencing and processing your feelings
Can be still be done.
I use the ‘empty chair’ technique
Of Fritz Perls in my coaching and therapy work.
For deeper meaning and fulfilment in life: create your own Inner Compass.
“The last few days I’ve been reflecting on an incident with a neighbour. I wanted to clear things up, and your message gave me the final gentle push to approach her. I walked up her drive, she opened the door, invited me to come in and we had a really friendly conversation. It did me the world of good and I feel so relieved now. So I wanted to thank you for your words.”
