Dalai Lama on feeling guilty
Enjoy this wonderful story about how the Dalai Lama responded when he was first told about our Western experience of “guilt”.
Feeling guilty.
Gosh we are good at that aren't we,
Making ourselves feel bad.
My clients talk about it a lot:
Feeling guilty
About this, that and the other.
Guilty for being a bad son or daughter,
A bad parent,
Feeling guilty for not feeling grateful,
Feeling guilty for not wanting to go
To a party or for not being happy
About a certain work opportunity
Which others would die for.
All this beating ourselves up,
It’s an exhausting loop.
I'm going to share a story with you.
It's been told to me by a friend.
"You could search the whole world over and never find anyone as deserving of your love as yourself."
The Buddha
One day, the Dalai Lama
Was with a big group of people.
Some locals, some monks and nuns,
And a big crowd of Westerners.
People were invited to ask questions.
There were questions about life,
Reincarnation, karma.
Questions about love
And forgiveness and illness.
Then one Westerner asked
"Please dear Dalai Lama,
How can I stop feeling so guilty?"
There was a translator present
Turning the English words into Tibetan.
"Guilty, my friend?" asked the Dalai Lama
"So, what did you do?"
"No, no." said the Westerner,
"I did nothing against the law.
I just feel guilty."
There was great confusion.
Dalai Lama and translator debated.
Then the Dalai Lama said
"Guilt means you've committed a crime,
Done something that isn’t allowed.
Then you’re ‘guilty’.
So when that happens,
You have an opportunity to feel remorse.
Remorse is very good. Very powerful.
It means you feel
The pain you caused to others.
It brings deep empathy, compassion.
This softens and transforms the mind,
So you resolve to never do that deed again.
This is wonderful. Your mind transformed.
So all is good.
Regret, confess, make amends,
Take remedial action,
To remedy the damage done.
Remorse deeply transforms your mind.
This is really very good."
No, no", said the Westerner,
"That's not really it.
It’s not ‘I am guilty’,
It’s a sense of ‘I feel guilty’.
Like feeling bad about myself.
A type of self-hatred.
A sense of shame about myself."
The Dalai Lama looked puzzled
And asked the crowd
"Who else feels this way?"
Most Westerners raised their hand.
It was such a powerful moment...
Turns out there is no Tibetan word
For ‘feeling guilty’.
It does not exist in their vocabulary.
The closest translation is
"Intelligent regret
That decides to do things differently".*
Feeling guilty is a negative,
Paralysing emotion,
Which can lead to self-hatred and shame
Which can turn into anger and depression.
Quite opposite of the Buddhist invitation
Towards loving self-improvement.
There are a lot of "me, myself and I’s"
Connected with the feeling of guilt.
"I am bad, I am useless, it’s my fault".
While in remorse
There is a lot of "other".
It increases our loving-kindness
And opens our heart.
So, how did the Dalai Lama respond?
Firstly, he said "Check your motivation.
What's the intention behind your actions?
If your underlying ‘why’ is virtuous,
Then be happy.
Regardless of the outcome
Or the opinion of others,
If your motivation was full of goodness,
You did something worthwhile."
And secondly,
On this subject of beating ourselves up,
Believing that "I" am at fault, or bad?
"But that’s a mistake," he said.
"Every being is precious!"
"And who or what is this "I" anyway,
That we seem so obsessed with pleasing?
As a Buddhist", said the Dalai Lama,
"I believe all beings have Buddhanature.
We all have the seed
For enlightenment inside of us:
The potential for attaining
A state of awakening
Filled with compassion and wisdom.
We are all divine beings,
Worthy of kindness and love".
Clearly I cannot even begin
To portray the Dalai Lama,
So any errors in this story
Are completely mine and mine alone.
But may it inspire you
To become more aware
Of your feelings of guilt
And to smile when they arise,
Recognising the habit of self-criticism
And embracing yourself
With love instead.
With kindness,
Karin
*Translation 'guilt' by Geshe Michael Roache.
Photos with gratitude: Manuel Bauer and Bill Kane.
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“Lovely story … it’s true that we feel guilty about so many things in life.”
“You have to try and be positive. It helps cure all ills. Xx”
“How wonderful that this word does not exist in Tibetan. That says a lot about us Westerners... Thank you for the gentle wake-up call, which brought me, as your tagline indicates, ‘clarity on my path’.”
“Thank you Karin. This is a lovely reflective read.”
“And again, a beautiful story Karin. Starting my day with your newsletters is wonderful. ”
“Thank you, That was a kind and gentle read, Even though the message is quite profound.”
