How do you know when it's time to end your therapy?
What is involved in stopping therapy, is it hard, and why is a mindful ending so important?
There's a point in therapy
When you’ll start thinking about leaving.
How to know the time has come
To bring your therapy to an end?
You might be wondering
If it is hard to break up with your therapist…
To answer that question, let me first tell you this:
Do you know what heals in therapy?
It's not the knowledge of the therapist,
Not the amount of sessions,
Not the smart questions,
Or deep insights.
Yep, all of that is helpful.
But what really brings healing
Is the relationship:
The one between your therapist and you.
And if you’re my client:
The connection between you and me.
That’s where the healing takes place.
The transformation
The magic…
“How lucky am I to have something so special, that makes saying goodbye so hard.”
In the so-called "therapeutic alliance",
That's where the magic happens.
When you feel safe enough to surrender,
To fully trust,
And show the depths of your being,
The connection so safe, so strong
The gratitude so complete...
Your connection with your therapist,
Mirrors your connection with yourself.
And extends to your ability
To experience that closeness with others,
With the world,
With life itself...
Writing these words feels a little weird
As if as a therapist
I ask for gratitude or love
From you, from my clients.
It's not like that.
Not at all…
Ending therapy in a timely, mindful, gracious way is so healing
The transformation is in you:
These are your feelings
Your heart
Your gratitude
Your love
Your openness
Your joy
YOURS
Not mine,
Nothing to do with me
(Or with your own therapist).
It's what you will take with you
Into this world
Into your relationships
To your partner, your children,
To yourself.
That utter and complete love
And appreciation for life.
It's in YOU.
And we as therapists just happen to be
The catalysts to tease it out of you.
The person that it's experienced with.
But it has nothing to do with me.
I could be Peter, or Vanessa.
I could be a therapist, a priest or a friend.
It's not me.
It's you who has been transformed,
Feels new depths,
Sees with new eyes,
Knows with deeper wisdom,
It's all you.
And that makes it so delicate
To not leave your therapy too soon
Or without a proper ending…
I find it hard
To find the words
Because it's a feeling, very deep,
When I wonder if my client leaves too early.
It's not about the amount of sessions
Already behind us.
It's not about the progress made.
There is no quantitative mark.
It's much more subtle than that.
Let me try
To put it in words here:
“At any given moment
You have the power to say
This is not
How this story
Is going to end.”
Christine Mason Miller
This turning point
Of wanting to leave therapy
Is where the pattern truly shifts.
If right now, you stay
That's when real transformation happens.
I can feel it
Deep in my bones,
And yet find it so hard at times
To explain it properly.
As I don't want clients to think
I am telling them to stay.
That I am after their money.
That I need them for me.
The message is so easily misunderstood
It's not for me
That I want them to stay.
It's for who I see they can become,
For who they already are,
Latently present,
Desperate to be known.
And when you leave therapy too early,
Or without a proper, healthy, mindful ending
Those qualities are not yet fully manifest.
Because by leaving therapy based on old patterns,
(Clearly, this only applies if you are
With the right therapist,
Someone you feel safe with)
You are not leaving your therapist,
You are leaving yourself.
You are telling yourself
Other things matter more.
You are giving yourself the message
That you are not important enough.
You abandon yourself.
And yes of course I realise
We don’t live in an ideal world.
We can't all just stay in therapy
Indefinitely.
Money, time:
We need to make wise choices.
But still.
Still:
Even if you have to leave therapy
Because of time or money constraints,
It can be done in a mindful, healthy way.
Plus, there are other options besides therapy
To honour yourself.
To continue your journey.
To put your spiritual path first.
So, how might a healthy ending look and feel?
How does a healthy, mindful ending with your therapist look, and feel?
One way to tell if you are ready to end therapy
Is the way you deal with the ending.
Is there a mindful goodbye or a painful break-up?
A celebration of the work?
Time spent together to look back
To express gratitude
To honour the relationship?
Because you see
Right there
It is again:
Your relationship with your therapist.
That is where the healing takes place.
How you treat (and leave) your therapist
Give a lot of insight into
How you were treated (and left) by others,
And how you treat (and leave) yourself.
Which way comes naturally to you:
Easiest to just not show up anymore?
A quick excuse and run for the door?
A celebration of the work together?
Would you express what's been left unsaid?
A moment to share gratitude?
So this is an invitation
When you are considering to finish your therapy,
Really feel inside
‘Why am I leaving?’
The radical truth.
Be fearlessly honest with yourself,
And if it feels safe, share it with your therapist.
Even if it's 'hard news'.
Maybe you have to say
‘We aren't the right fit,
You are too 'xxx' or too little ‘xxx’ for me’.
And saying those words
Is so healing.
Who were you supposed to say that to?
All those years ago, as a child?
And now you found your voice!
That is amazing!
A ‘safe’ therapist will smile and say,
‘Wow, thank you for your bravery.
Thank you for your honesty.
I am so sorry you were upset,
I am so sorry.
I am glad you told me.
It was never my intention
To cause you pain’.
‘And would you like to explore,
If this dynamic between us
Might be something that happens
More often in your life
At work, at home, with your parents?
Is it familiar to you?’
And then so many pennies drop.
You can still leave that therapist.
That option is always there.
The door is always open
To leave, or to re-enter.
But leaving without speaking your truth
Could just be repeating the same patterns.
It is within the relationship
That the transformation occurs.
And by saying it all,
Expressing your truth,
You break a habitual pattern.
A ‘safe’ therapist
Will smile from ear to ear.
So proud of you
For speaking up.
So happy that your bond together
Was strong and safe enough
For you to say
What you needed to say.
You see, I repeat my point:
It's the connection
The relationship
Where the healing takes place.
Where your true self
Can come out into the light.
Don't keep your truth in the dark
Speak up
Explore
Why do I want to leave?
Is that feeling familiar?
Might it be why you came to therapy
In the first place?
To break this pattern?
Here is your chance.
How amazing…
Don't step out too soon
As what needs to be learned
Repeats itself.
Deep down you know exactly
When the time to leave therapy has arrived.
There is a peace
A contentment
A gratitude
A stillness
A love
A deep connection.
Yes, a connection with your therapist.
But that is just a mini-universe
Representing the whole.
An experience possible
Because of your connection with yourself.
Your therapeutic connection, as a mirror for your life.
I wish you well
Thank you for 'listening'
It's incredibly helpful for me too
So thank you
For reading
For our connection
For being here.
Free Discovery call
Did that resonate, and would you like to talk things through with me?
“Fine words. ”
“I love this - thank you! ”
